Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Tips to surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

It very well may just be a "guy thing*," but there are certain movies and TV series that, after watching, it is nearly impossible NOT to imagine yourself in similar circumstances. Cases in point: Red Dawn, Castaway, Alive. I rest my cases!

Let's take Red Dawn for instance. Any red-blooded American male who watched that movie and didn't imagine themselves fighting off Soviet and Cuban invaders guerrilla warfare-style should be put into a time machine and sent back to 1980s Russia, cuz youz a COMMUNIST!

On to the meat of this blog post. So, AMC has a series called The Walking Dead, which is about a zombie apocalypse, and also which is freaking fantastic. And which, YES NERDS**, is based on a comic book I never read because I'm not a "comic book kinda guy," whatever THAT is. I won't get into the particulars of the show, because you already watch it, RIGHT? Suffice it to say that zombies are fucking everywhere and they are hell bent on eating you, as zombies are wont to do.

A quick aside. I'm not really a horror movie, blood and guts and gore kinda guy. It's just not my thing. That said, I've had a soft spot for zombies ever since I saw The Return of the Living Dead and Night of the Comet as a tween.

OK, back to the matter at hand - surviving a zombie apocalypse. Watching The Walking Dead has given me some REAL insight when it comes to tips to staying alive while the world is crawling with flesh-eating zombies. Here are my suggestions:

1. Don't be in a hospital or in a coma.
Now, this probably can't be helped for some. Accidents happen! Like the show's fearless leader, Grimes, who was shot in the line of duty and awoke from some sort of coma days after the start of the zombie apocalypse. This really puts you at a disadvantage, the whole, not knowing there's a zombie apocalypse going on. Grimes stumbled out of the hospital and was DAMN LUCKY he didn't come across any zombies right away.

Grimes: (taps zombie on the shoulder) "Hey there, excuse me, what's going on with all the dead bodies and..."
Zombie: (taking a bite out of Grimes' neck) "nom nom nom nom"

All I'm saying is this: If you get the feeling a zombie apocalypse may be on the horizon, don't schedule any major surgery.

2. Go for the brain.
The only way to "kill" the zombies of this particular zombie apocalypse is to put some sort of object through their brain. Could be a bullet, an arrow, a pick axe, blunt force trauma from a shovel or baseball bat, you get the point. I kind of like this change-up here. In many zombie flicks, it's the brain they're after. Not here. These zombies are after living flesh. Hell, the crazy bastards ate a whole horse in episode 1. Now, it's the living who are after the zombies' brains. Not to eat, of course, but still.

3. Not all zombies are created equal.
When we're first introduced to the zombies in Grimes' neighborhood, they can't so much as get into a haphazardly boarded up house. Skip ahead to the zombies in the ATL and dudes be breaking through storefront security glass and climbing chain-link fences. Not sure if zombies evolve or if inner city zombies just got it like that, but the point remains - don't underestimate the zombies.

4. Don't bone down with your best friend's wife.
Look, he's probably dead or a zombie. Hell, everyone else is. But probably isn't definitely. Unless you saw him die or saw him as a zombie, you have to think there's a chance he may be coming to find his family. Especially if he's a badass like Grimes. Hey, if you know for certain he's been eaten by a zombie, bone away, hell bone all goddamn day - it's a fucking ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE for chrissakes. If not, keep it in your pants.

5. Stay OUT of the city centers.
As I mentioned above, inner city zombies are a different breed. Plus, there's like thousands of the bastards swarming like Africanized bees. Find a general store in the sticks to loot and then rough it. Develop a taste for squirrel and get used to wiping with leaves. If there's a "Grimes" in your group, let his crazy ass go into the city.

6. Beware of survivors as well.
If The Walking Dead has taught us anything, it's that the zombies aren't the only ones trippin'. Survivors be trippin' too! And while you can't blame them seeing as it's a fucking zombie apocalypse, you best approach with caution and watch your back. As much zombie-on-human and human-on-zombie violence as we've seen, we've also seen PLENTY of human-on-human violence. Stop the violence, ya'll.

Come here so I can eat you.

* I hate the phrases "guy thing" and "girl thing" as much as anyone, but seriously, there's just things guys do that chicks don't, and vice versa.
** Not sure if any nerds read this blog, but thought it safe to cover my bases.

Update: After watching the Season Finale, I'd be derelict in my responsibilities of giving you all a fighting chance should a Zombie Apocalypse occur if I didn't mention to stay the hell away from creepy scientists at the CDC. Yowza!!

Update #2: Read this great piece from the great Chuck Klosterman.

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